100% That Dick
Two weeks ago I went out for my friends birthday party at The Mayfair Hotel DTLA. The scene was full sexy and I spotted a handsome guy pretty early in the night. He was about 5’10ish, olive skin, dark facial hair and looked extra sharp in a Cuban inspired fedora. We didn’t make contact until I stepped outside to smoke a joint. He was nearby, turned towards me and said “damn that weed smells good”. So I passed it to him and we began talking. I immediately felt a gravitational pull, and we spent the next two hours sitting on a couch away from the party in a vortex of incessant eye gazing.
His name is Eli. He’s a white Jewish rapper from the Bay. He’s super funny, charismatic and just generally interesting to talk with. Throughout our banter, we were cozied up on this couch, touchy-feely-petting grabs and heavy flirtations. Even our friends who passed by saw the sensual overload and they each communicated with outrageous hand gestures and full faced side-eyes. I’m a sucker for human connection and I knew right away I liked this guy. He wasn’t overtly aggressive or inappropriate, although I’m not opposed to that coming from the right person. He had this sense of ease and casual confidence. He was smooth as fuck.
We chatted endlessly and he genuinely seemed stoked to learn about me and my yoga career. He took my number, texted me right there to get yoga class details and share his last name.
Last call came around pretty quickly and Eli was going home. I checked in with my homies and got the ‘do you’ from the birthday girl, so I knew my chicks-before-dicks, ride-or-die sis was cool with me bouncing. I picked up my car and made my way to Eli’s place in Hollywood.
When I got there, he met me outside so we could park in the garage. To my surprise, there was still no kissing or attempt to do so. Still flirty, still witty banter, still super sexy. As soon as I got in his apartment, I felt a sense of comfort and ease. His space is definitely the home of an artist. He has a full recording station set up, stunning works of art all made by him on the walls and baby grand piano he can actually play, which is a serious turn on.
I took off my shoes, got cozy and he made us tea with honey. In hindsight, I know I went there with intentions of having casual sex with a hot guy. But in that moment I thought, “who the fuck is this gentleman at 3am?” We had a movie on in the background but were endlessly talking over it. Through the early morning hours, we laughed super hard, he played music for me, sang a little bit (ladies you know how that sexy man singing gives you all the little tingles), talked about yoga, his sisters, politics, my dad’s death, his grandfathers art…it felt like I knew this guy for lifetimes. There was chemistry. It can’t be denied.
Around 5am I started yawning and Eli said “time to get you to bed”. I already knew I was staying there, but still, we had not made any physical contact other than cozying up to each other and a little bit of sweet petting. Even when we got to the bedroom, he still had me laughing. His sheets were in disarray so I started to make the bed, which prompted some silly joke, a massive smile, and finally, a lean in for a slow, sensual and sexy kiss. He has this bottom lip, oof, and I’ll leave it at that.
We made out a bit, I snuggled up in his nook and we fell asleep. Maybe about an hour later, I heard him get up for some water and when he came back to bed, the fire was lit and what was about to happen was completely unspoken. There was serious chemistry and as far as first time with a new person goes, it superseded expectations. Now probably 7:30am, HE snuggled up in MY nook and we fell back asleep.
My alarm went off at 9:30 because I had to work. We had a brief cuddle, I rubbed Eli’s back to the tune of his morning moans and then I got myself dressed and out the door.
The day went by and he was all I could think about. I had this unforeseen connection that shook me. I was so alive from this encounter, that I decided to skip the bullshit of: do I wait to call or text him? I’m so tired of playing guessing games. I just wanna be real with someone if I’m interested OR if I’m not, both have equal value. The thing is, meeting potential matches and dating in general is a fuckjob. It doesn’t matter what city you live in. Truthfully, if you’re single right now, it’s seriously a jungle. The over saturation of technology and dating apps has people straight acting foolish. That’s why I was down to just keep it real and be upfront with Eli. So I sent him a text that night asking if he got some sleep. . . Radio silence.
OK. Here come the internal stories. I won’t go through the list, but ya’ll already know. Two days go by and I’ve run the gamut of ‘I’m not’ good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, blah blah blah blecccch.
I get our mutual friend on the phone and she tells me he just asked her about me. What now? Then why hasn’t he called? Does that mean he’s into me or not? Fuck it, maybe he’s really busy and didn’t see that text. But he did ask about me. So maybe I should just be super clear. I sent him a message the following day ‘what’s good? I wanna see you’. NADA. Bummed. Self-deprecation in full swing. The list of stories goes on for over a week. This guy got in. Shit. So I sat down to write and the epiphany happened.
REALITY CHECK - IT’S NOT YOU KARI. IT’S HIM.
I heard someone call this behavior “Mosting”. It’s next level “Ghosting”. It’s beyond sexual; one person does the absolute MOST, mentally & emotionally, and then ghost’s on you. Knowing all of this and being an intellectual being, I still can’t get my mind off of Eli, so I just gotta say I am truly surprised he MOSTED me. I really thought we had chemistry. He struck me when we met and seemed exceedingly interested, maybe it was all a front. If I knew he was 100% THAT DICK, I would’ve just fucked him when I got to his place at 2:30 in the morning, we didn’t need to do all that hanging out and flirting, coziness. I could’ve at least got a good night’s sleep if he wasn’t reckless with unnecessary fake emotions. I mean I did come over in the middle of the night, you already had it in the fucking bag dummy.
And that’s why I’m shocked not to hear from him. He was sober and waited up for me. He didn’t even try to kiss me for nearly 2 hours. We fell asleep cuddling before we ever had sex. I actually thought Eli was a good guy. For fucks sakes, he has a picture of his three sisters at the bathroom sink, which lead me to believe he had a shred of decency. Of course looking back now, it just seems like a prop for the show.
Our mutual friend told me Eli’s rapper moniker, I listened to his music, so I guess the shoe fits. But even still, I call BULLSHIT and I think it’s just a persona - I thought I got a glimpse of Eli and I sense he’s wiser and kinder than the character he plays.
When I zoom out from this and look at it objectively, or if it happened to a friend, I would say this man has serious emotional issues. Or maybe not, and you actually are THAT fucking guy, Eli. Either way, NOT COOL, especially for a 40 year old. If you’re not interested in someone, the human thing to do is respond. Just stop screwing with women of substance. For a dude who raps about how big his dick is, you’ve got no fucking balls.
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This blog is for all the women out there who have had an experience similar to this. I share this story so other women know they are not alone. I share because women should not be shamed for casual sex. I share because I also want women to know it’s OK and VALID to desire a relationship and to co-create a life with another human on your level. I share for all the men out there who are emotionally inept doing fucked up shit to women. I share because I firmly believe people should be held accountable for how they behave, including myself and the choices I made in this experience. I SHARE BECAUSE I WANT TO.
*I know this piece is written in both first and third person and I did it cause I’m a fucking rule breaker*